Addicted To Love- pt.2 (High off of Delusion)

    All I want to do is bury my head in shame.
I am practically three months along, everyone will began to notice soon. I have to face the people at my church, and their judgmental stares, because many of them know that I am unmarried. I have never brought a man with me to church, nor have I been publicly dating one. So it will be obvious to everyone what I have been doing in secret. People know me well in church because I am the one who beat the tambourine, and dance out of my seat. I didn't want to tell you what has been eating away at me all this time. I feel a lot of things that you do not seem to understand right now. I feel alone because you are not here, I feel angry and frustrated at myself for letting God down, and I feel the sting of rejection pricking away at my heart. 
    
    The best way that I know how to reach you is by email. We don't talk often on the phone because you are million miles a part from me, and I can't afford to keep buying calling cards all the time. That is how come your inbox stay full of my mail. Yeah, I know that you have told me over, and over again, not to keep sending you so many messages within a day, but tell me, what else am I suppose to do? What other way is there to reach you if I can't write to you? We met as two distant strangers crossing the Great Plains of Destiny...we are so far apart from each other, how else can I feel you near?


    This baby that I carry on the inside of me is the only thing that makes me feel connected to you. I gave you my body, my soul, my everything because I thought you truly wanted to be with me, but once I laid down with you, you woke up a different man. Who are you? My reality has set in, the man I thought I knew really wasn't. Come to think of it, I really didn't know you at all. I have never been to your country, I don't know your people, or what it is that you do over there.  I had hopes of being that special woman in your life. But that all changed once we had sex.


    I know the bitter betrayal that Tamar felt when her beloved brother Amnon, who once adored and worshiped her, threw her away like yesterday's garbage after he laid with her. Is this what I have become to you now, someone you despise and can't stand to look at? All the signs are there. The last time you were in town I felt disconnected from you. I noticed that you were cold and easily irritated, when before, you were warmhearted, patient, and kind. That night when we went out for dinner, you barely spoke two words to me. You stayed more interested in gulping down your plate of food, rather acknowledging my presence. When we went back to your hotel, you poured more salt into my open wound. You took my body like it was another plate of food that you were devouring. I still remember the way you carelessly thrust your penis inside of me, and did whatever made your flesh happy; while I laid there underneath you stiff and numb, watching my life being purposely stolen up out of me.


    That night was the end of me, and the beginning of what is now growing on the inside of me. You got what you had hoped for, but not so with me. The very thing that I have hoped for has been deferred. Now my heart grows ill from the pain of rejection I carry inside. My mind constantly run wild with thoughts of you loving another, at least she has something tangible to hold on to, all I have are no guarantees. All of these things are weighing heavily on me, my spirit is being vexed. I can't sleep at night, the craving for food has left, I have lost interest in everything but you. I am being taunted by an evil spirit. I am in love with a man that doesn't love me. The twisted part of  my delusion, is that I told him that I was pregnant when I really am not. 




Written By: LaTarsha Preciado
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